Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Telus to release shitty phone on July 30th. More of the same.


Canadian wireless operator, chronic rapist and abusive significant other, Telus Mobility, has announced plans to introduce a phone as shitty as its very network on July 30, the same day as rival sister street whore, Bell Mobility.

Telus announced its intentions to sucker idiots of their ill gotten drug money today, whereas Bell made its plans clear on Monday.

The iPhone 4, which has been available in the U.S. since like forever, has all the same features as previous iPhone devices such as a non removable battery, proprietary itunes using Windows interface, and a soul sucking demon spell that causes its owners to pledge their lives in servitude to the dark lord Steve Jobs on the occasion of his rebirth as a dragon lord. Plus, the iphone 4 introduces a worse antenna design.

Telus Spokesperson Ivanna Getreamed proclaimed "Not only are we releasing this locked, DRM encrusted piece of crap phone, but we're going to continue to give our customers the level of service they've come to expect from a National Canadian mobile provider". Said Ms. Getreamed "What are they gonna do about it? Switch? hahahahah"

Customers are already inexplicably lining up for a chance simply to touch the iphone. "I can't afford it, as I'm already on an 8 year contract for my iphone 3g, but I feel that if I can just touch the fake display phone in the telus kiosk at the mall things might take a turn for the better"

In other news, Google has discontinued the Nexus One. It would appear people have no interest in an unlocked upgradable and open phone sold online. Said one hipster imbecile "Umm, Is it an iphone? That's the best phone. It's 3G, and I can download Apps to it!?"

Original article at

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