Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Reed Solomon reviews Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

First, let me apologize in advance for all the swearing I did during and after this movie. Apparently this movie has given me tourettes. There must be a connection between seething rage and tourettes. Although you really shouldn't be angry that I swore in front of your precious children. First of all, its wednesday night, thats when I like to see movies. Just because you and your kids couldn't wait to see a movie is no reason to blame me for being me. Second, the movie is rated PG-13. That means your kids should goddamn fucking well know how to swear by now and be old enough to appreciate what an abortion this movie they just saw was. And third, the movie was shit. Complete shit.

"Pull my finger!"
Upon entering the movie theatre I had reasonably high expectations. I had expected a movie that for once maybe remained more true to the book than diverged. Or, IF it diverged, it would at least diverge in a way that was an IMPROVEMENT or NECESSARY. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince did none of these things.

The movie begins with 3D EXPLOZIONZ EXTRAVEGANZA OMG 3D LOOK AT THIS BRIDGE BLOW UP LOOK AT UGLY PEOPLE FLY AROUND IN 3D!!!!$!$%!% Except you have to be at an Imax theatre with 3D to appreciate the 3D, which is only for the first 10 or 20 minutes. And does not coincide with anything interesting. If you like it when a script writer changes things just to show that he's the man, and when a director directs things as if getting the most retarded emotion out of his actors was oscar worthy, then you will love this movie.
Sorry, Rupert Grint, you'll never live it down. Did you really need the money that badly? You coulda grown some weed like the Slytherin dude.
After EXPLOZIONZ we proceed to Harry Potter in some restaurant reading a newspaper. A Magical Newspaper. Great. OK Fine, you want to ignore everything in the book. People don't care about it anyways, they're only there to look at OMG ITS HARRY POTTER IN REAL LIFE! ... or ITS HERMIONE IN REAL LIFE!!!! WOWZ!! OMG ITS THUNDERPANTS IN REAL LIFE. whatever. Fuck.
Yes you are, and not in the homosexual way.
Let me get this out of the way. MICHEAL GAMBON IS THE WORST DUMBLEDORE EVER. If anyone feels any sympathy or any appreciation for the character it must be a COMPLETE COINCIDENCE as the character that appears on screen is some stupid piece of shit who is nothing like the character of a similar name that appeared in the first two movies and the books. How did they get to that result from such an engaging fascinating occasionally mysterious character created by J.k Rowling? NOBODY KNOWS. Okay, Mister Gambon, in this scene we need you to be a fucking useless tool and also an asshole. Can you do that? GREAT!! Act. ACT!!! MORE ANGER! YES!
How big of a piece of shit are you, Crotchturd? That big? Wow!
So Harry and .. I'm sorry I can't call this character that appears with Harry "Dumbledore". I shall call him CROTCHTURD. Crotchturd and Harry Potter go to the Weasleys house. They go to the Weasley house and the director is all being clevar with camera angles and shit. OH LOOK HOW CLEVAR YOU ARE.. SO CLEVER. Harry Potter just shows up at the Weasley house without Dumbledore, everyone is happy to see him. Yay. This whole scene takes I dunno 10 minutes. 10 Minutes of wasting time when we could have actually put in, oh I dunno, some actual SCENES FROM THE BOOK? But who needs THAT!

They end up going to Diagon Alley. Harry owns an invisibility cloak but choses to follow Draco Malfoy without using it. When Voldemort is after him and Death Eaters and everyone thinks he's the chosen one he saunters after Draco with Hermione and Ron in tow. In the book he wears the invisibility cloak, but whatever. I suppose invisibility is a FUCKING EXPENSIVE SPECIAL EFFECT TO DO. I mean, when I was in grade 5 I filmed myself disappearing. You know what I did? I filmed myself to a certain point, then I stopped film, and voila, I dissappeared! WOW! Fucking piece of shit movie.

Let me say I liked seeing the Weasley Twins and their store. That scene was okay, though how they got the money to start their business, and the fact that the peruvian darkness powder was a plot point later in the book was completely cut for no reason. But I liked the scene, though some of the best character lines were cut.

They cut the Dursley family out completely. Whatever. Who needs them, huh? Who needs to know that Harry's Godfather died, that he inherited a house elf, and a house, and vast sums of money. Not the audience going to see this movie. Instead we get long meandering scenes of people pondering about nothing in particular. About as good a tradeoff as bailing out banks so that they can all get big fat bonuses. It's the exact same thing. Mother fucking pieces of shit. Harry Potter is the chosen one. How does he know? Nobody ever finds out. Does Crotchturd tell him at some point? We might as well assume so.

Don't do it, Crotchturd! You have so much to live for! Put down the pointy stick!
Also while on the train, Harry gets his own compartment, but the slytherins are all in some lame amtrak style coach. This doesn't even make sense.

I didn't mind the slug club scenes too much. They were alright. Although the christmas party with having students instead of houseelves was pretty dumb, but I understand that they didn't want to spend any money on CGI that might have anything to do with the book. Daniel Radcliffe was actually very good in this film. If he had a script and if Crotchturd wasn't such a complete.. well.. piece of shit lodged in the crotch, I may have been able to overlook all of the other faults of this film. We launch into Crotchturd giving harry lessons about Voldemort. Crotchturd even tells all the students that Voldemorts real name is Tom Riddle. Way to fucking tip your hand there, Crotchturd. Voldemort won't suspect a thing now. Sadly the part in the book where Harry's usefulness to the memories is shown by being able to translate parseltongue is completely cut. It's like having a movie about WWII efforts and a scene about German Enigma machines and completely cutting out the allied cryptographers. I guess the second world war was won by American Moxy.

Snape is given a promotion, no longer is he Potions teacher, but now he teaches the cursed Defense against the Dark arts class. Do we get to experience this class? Do we get some build up between Harry and Snape? FUCK NO. NOTHING. We get to see a lot of Draco Malfoy simpering, whining, doing shit. We get to see Hermione Granger being all "OMG I LOVE RON HOW COME HE DOESN'T KNOW I LOVE HIM LOOK HOW DRAMATIC I CAN ACT!!!1" which is nothing like in the book.

During The scene where Katie Bell touches the necklace, its not Harry who takes the initiative and tells everyone not to touch it, one of the few scenes in the books where Harry actually acts like a goddamn hero I might add, no its FUCKING HAGRID. HAGRID, WHO GOT KICKED OUT IN HIS THIRD YEAR!! HAGRID DOES NOT KNOW SHIT! At least they kept the scene where Harry shoves the beazor down Ron's throat there. I guess they needed to give Hagrid some screen time. Poor guy is barely in the movie, and whatever scene he is in completely makes his character look useless.

There were some amusing scenes, don't get me wrong, there are points where the director or script writer or the actors take the initiative and improve upon the award winning multi-million dollar selling Harry Potter books. They're outnumbered by Poor decision making and CHANGE FOR THE SAKE OF CHANGE, but hey, the masses are fucking stupid. Batman and Robin made shitloads of money too. Fuck you WB. If you fucking ruin Green Lantern I will fucking snap. You hear me? I WILL FUCKING SNAP. All that rage inside me? I'm the goddamn san andreas fault. If Green Lantern is as big a piece of garbage as this, god help us all.

I liked the scene where Harry and Ron are fighting for the two spare potions text books. It rang true to life, and Harry got the better end of that scene. I would have liked more of Ginny Weasley actually doing things rather than being all holding Harry's hand and garbage. Oh they're in lurve. OH I LOVE YOU HARRY I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU GINNAY Jesus Christ get on with the fucking movie.

So shit happens, then Harry ends up at the Weasley house for christmas. Then Death Eaters attack and burn down the weasley house FOR NO GOOD REASON. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN THE BOOK. If they had the time to cut out so much from the book, HOW DID THEY HAVE THE TIME TO ADD COMPLETELY NEW AND IRRELEVANT SCENES!!! I guess there won't be a wedding in the next movie. I guess they can make up more incredibly stupid scenes that have nothing to do with anything. Then introduce the followup creations of those cut scenes later. THERE WAS 10 FUCKING MINUTES OF RUNNING THROUGH THE FUCKING WILDERNESS CHILDREN OF THE CORN STYLE BULLCRAP. 10 FUCKING MINUTES OF IT! NOT IN THE BOOK! NOT INTERESTING AT ALL! 10 MINUTES OF IT!!!

So some serious shit happens, Crotchturd dies, after Snape tricks Harry for some reason OMG DRAMATIC TWIST! No funeral though. No fucking depth at all to this piece of shit.

The inferi looked fucking stupid. Not like mummies or anything. Not like emaciated bodies either. Fucking generic shit.

Also while the Quidditch scenes were nicely done, they could have either been shorter, or maybe actually included Harry Potter? You know, that character who is the main character? Why would they cut out the scene where Harry wins the match by shocking the opposing Slytherin player by asking him how much Malfoy paid him to take his place?

To summarize, my basic problem with this movie is that THE SOUL WAS SUCKED OUT OF EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. Actors being babies and mugging for the camera, although who can blame them when all their importance is drained out of the script.

Although my friend who didn't read the books, says the movie was great, that I acted like a dumbass who doesn't know how to behave in public, and really enjoyed it. But what does he know, he hated The Golden Compass. Some people actually clapped at the end. My God.

Well Crotchturd, what do you have to say for yourself?
I think this movie works best if you imagine it as like the TV show sliders. We all live in an alternate dimension from one of the later seasons of sliders after the show really turned into shit. Wheras the first two seasons we were still living in a universe where things had potential for greatness. It really is a shame that Richard Harris died. He would have at least saved this movie from the total and complete aids syphilis ebola that it suffers from. Somewhere there are people living in a world where Richard Harris lived, where the movie was written and directed by talented people, where WB actually spent money on special effects that helped make the movie better rather than 20 minutes of useless fucking 3D that does not move the plot along at all.

There were a few other things that I liked that I can't remember, and many more things that ticked me off, but I hope you get the point by now.. WHY did they advertise this as if this was anything like the book? Why do they even own the rights to Harry Potter if they aren't going to make a Harry Potter movie? I understand J.K Rowling just doesn't care anymore now that she's richer than Oprah and doesn't need to write any more books, But don't try to convince me to see this if it has nothing to do with the book. It's barely even inspired by the book. For a movie supposedly about Magic, this movie contained very little.
"HAHAHAHAH We totally took your money Reed Solomon! LOLOL YOU DUMB STUPID SUCKER!!!!!!!"


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Omg, so right. Please make a babby in me!

David said...

Thank you for writing this. I agree. It was a big Fail Movie.

Fo said...

you spelt clever wrong

Anonymous said...

OMG! Sooo true! =.=