Welcome (back Jets) to my nightmare

Well, the Winnipeg Jets played their first game and it was everything we thought it would be. Parties at the Forks, huge 50/50 pot, and just a great atmosphere at the arena. Unfortunately, the Jets lost. What does this mean? It can mean only one thing.

CERTAIN DOOM
CERTAIN DOOM
CERTAIN DOOM

Yes, after this one game, I can prognosticate that the Jets are going to lose every game they play this year. Half of the team is going to end up trapped in a time-space vortex at one point, and come out of it with all knowledge of how to skate erased from their minds. The Jets will be in last place for decades, and the city of Winnipeg will sink 1000 meters into the ground to be taken over by the mole people and their king.

Sure, you can scoff and say "Oh Reed, it's just one game" To which I must reply: NO. The Jets lost, and it's obvious they can never improve, that they are the same Atlanta Thrashers as last year, that the MTS Centre is too small and the NHL will never work in Winnipeg and this is all just the first sign of the aphockalypse

Dustin Byfuglien got a penalty and he didn't even do anything. This obviously means he is a horrible horrible defenceman and his legs are going to turn into jell-o.

The only solution is to trade everyone right away for someone else. Trade every player for another player that is better. We have to PANIC NOW while it's still early enough for our panicking to make a difference! Panicking doesn't help when we're already at 75 losses. God help us all. If the Jets don't win their next 40 home games, they're going to move to Regina! Am I the only one who can see? Why aren't Cheveldayoff or Heisinger doing something!!! Do something! Fire Coach Noel! Fire somebody! Blalrlalrglrelhwjepoihwekh

Seriously though, aren't sports pundits freakin' annoying? Yeesh. Way to overreact.