Thursday, July 19, 2007

Lord Voldemort is a little bitch.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, released on July 21'st 2007, is the final book in the Harry Potter and the something something series. Like all great stories in literature, the author, J.K Rowling has created a superb group of characters, that inhabit a vividly engaging world of wonders and excitement. She has become a huge success and has made millions of dollars and is expected to make millions more with this latest edition, and most believe she deserves every bit of it.

But does she?!

Recent events have come to light, and yours truly, has unearthed some incredible facts that will shock and disturb even the most devoted muggle fan of this "scarlet woman". I may inadvertantly spoil the seventh book for you if you haven't read it yet, so, be warned.

The books describe a world very much like our own, but with certain hidden segments of society capable of what can only be described as magic. This world operates alongside ours, but these Witches and Wizards, as J.K Rowling describes them, are capable of modifying memories, flight, teleportation (or as they call it, apparition), and even time travel. Pure drivel, you might say, there is no such thing as magic. This is a work of fiction! Alas, if only it were so.

This J.K (if that is even her real name! Some sources have told me she goes by Joanne or even Jo!) has made an obscene amount of money in a short time, and not only that, anybody connected with the Harry Potter phenomenon, has equally made millions off of this story. What is so engaging about this character that it could possibly sell so many books?

The answer will shock and surprise you. The only logical explanation is that this is not a work of fiction or fantasy, but a work of fact. Harry Potter was and is a real person, a famous person, in his magical society, and is so celebrated, that these Witches and Wizards deemed it appropriate that even non magic capable personages would be able to read his story. They clearly cast a spell over the books to make them addictive reading, and many minds both young and old have had thier wallets emptied by this trickery.

For evidence, the story of Harry Potter is surprisingly set in Britain in the 1990's. The main character was born on July 31st, 1980, according to the book, and this month will be 27 years old. the events in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, therefore, take place in the period between 1997 and 1998, except for the epilogue, which conveniently happens 19 years later, in 2017. This, faithful readers, is clearly meant to confuse us with math, an old trick. But trust me in this, that the likelyhood of Harry and Ginny Potter waiting a decade before having children is somewhat suspicious, considering the fact that he is rich and famous, and she is a redhead. Therefore that 19 years later part is a lie, and that final scene takes place in the current year.

Clearly, the story of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is based on reality. JK (whose initials are conveniently a common abreviation for "just joking" on the internet) has yet to deny this, or even be asked the question. She claims Harry Potter just popped into her head one day and she began the process of producing these books. How does an idea just pop into someones head? Through Wizardry, thats how.

I don't for an instant claim that JK Rowling is aware of the way Witches and Wizards have used her, no doubt she will say she has been justly compensated. However, the truth should be known, and I leave it to you to judge for yourself.

As for the final book, I enjoyed it for the most part. We followed Harry Potter, his friend Ron, and Ron's slutty girlfriend Hermione as they seek to fulfill Harry's destiny of destroying Lord Voldemort, and being destroyed. Many characters die. Because Lord Voldemort is a serious dick. Harry eventually, with the support of his friends, Dumbledores Army, the order of the phoenix, dumbledores prescient consciousness, and the titles Deathly Hallows, manages to not only defeat Lord Voldemort, but to get Lord Voldemort to act like a little bitch at the end, which is great. It's like the scene in Death Proof withere Kurt Russell, a sadistic murderer, can't appreciate the irony of just being shot and cries like a little bitch. No doubt, if this story wasn't based in fact and set in the past, I would accuse J.K Rowling of stealing from Quentin Tarrantino, but I won't.

The Deathly Hallows, are basically JK Rowlings attempt to shoehorn the game Rock Paper Scissors into the story for some reason. Basically, Lord Voldemort always picks rock, cause nothing beats rock, and thats how Harry Potter beats him.

Characters who died include Dobby, who should have gotten a slightly better death scene, as I liked the little guy. George's twin Fred, also dead, which clearly, had to happen, as it rhymes. Harry Potter was a Horcrux, like everyone thought, and even JK Rowling lying couldn't convince anyone otherwise. I was dissapointed the clever idea of Parseltongue wasn't used a little more in the story. Why can't people who talk to snakes talk to Dragons? Aren't Dragon's serpents? Oh well. Still, the ending left a lot unanswered. Did Harry Potter end up playing Quidditch professionally? We will never know. Did Hermione's elf rights thing get any traction? She built up this whole world, then basically turned it on its head, and then left it up to our imaginations how it would end up. And she has the nerve to tell us that she won't be making any more stories based in the Harry Potter world. That's what Sir Arthur Conan Doyle said as well, but he wrote tons more Harry Potter stories after he killed Harry Potter off. The chick who wrote Anne of Green Gables wrote books about Anne of Green Gables daughter and it had nothing to do with Lord Voldemort. There can only be one explanation why she cannot write any more stories in the Harry Potter world. Because she can only write about things after they have happened, because it is a story set in fact, not fiction.

Logically then, she should give back all of her awards and trophies for excellence in writing fiction.



And in memorium of what will happen on the Friday night of release at every Harry Potter book release tomorrow night, I present the popular youtube video "Barnes and Noble Snape Kills Dumbledore Spoiler jerk"

Crappy google quote of the day